the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Poetry is my passion
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao