Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I鈥檝e been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I鈥檓 still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 馃檨
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
This will never not be funny 馃槶
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”