Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…