They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.