excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying