[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country