Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
…u ok Nintendo?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs