Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.