Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
This is my pinned tweet
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Terribly Tuesday.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.