It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Worth the read.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.