make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.