‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
ready to be harvested
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.