*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.