Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.