[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*