Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You Might Also Like
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
This story is comedy gold 😂
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*