Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace