Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait