Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.