In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*gets down on one knee*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
the three genders
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?