ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Just me?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!