If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
How all things should be taught/explained.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?