what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
he was correct
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Always a metermaid never a meter
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down