I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]