If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
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Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Hotels are back
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos