What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Taliband
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.