A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.