A small tragedy.
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous