According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing