[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.