Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.