I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Social Media and Real life
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”