Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?