I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“The Perfect Relationship”