Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.