She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
TEETH IS INNOCENT