Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You Might Also Like
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?