A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
❤️🦆
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.