*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Yaba daba do not resuscitate