Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Godspeed, John Glenn
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
me, too, girl. me, too.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…