“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
just left a huge legacy in there
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.