Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car