Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Just say no
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist