When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I like long walks away from everyone
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?