Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
it is time once again
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
January has been Januweary
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose