Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You Might Also Like
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good