Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.