The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours