Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.