My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Duck typos.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know